Some Brains Are Already Melted
Following my “Twilight is Melting Your Brain” article, I received much hate from Twilight crazed women. One lady actually took the time to write an open letter to me, and posted it on her blog (http://supersecrettwilightblog.blogspot.com/2009/06/letter-to-mr-bradley-pig-turner.html). I immediately wrote the following letter back, and my friend, Greg, emailed it to her. She, of course, did not post the letter on her blog, and soon after, she locked down the post, making it impossible to add more comments. I’m guessing she didn’t want anyone to see this. So, obviously, I have to post it:
Dear a real woman, saggy boobs included,
I appreciate the fact that a Twilight fan finally decided to take the time to write an (somewhat) organized response to my article. I fully had the intentions of congratulating you on your efforts to defend something that you love so much, and I planned on commending you for your above par writing that was fairly impressive for a fifteen-year- old. Then you mentioned that you are thirty. At this point, I became depressed on behalf of humankind. Who would have thought that my little article would cause a thirty-year-old to result to name-calling?
Still, I am thankful that you chose to write about my work. It seemed as though all the hype surrounding my article was beginning to die down, but thanks to your letter, people are continuing to read and discuss what I have written. The funny thing is that I wrote this for a college newspaper, and I’m not even the one who put it on the Internet. This means that I owe much to people like you who have gotten me so much attention.
Also, it is nice that at least you were able to put together complete sentences and spell most of the words correctly (an ability that seems to have eluded many of your comrades). This made reading your letter much easier. I was seriously getting tired of reading comments about how much of a “jenious” Stephanie Meyers is and how my article is “discusting.”
In reference to your first point of contention: my article was opinionated because it was published as my editorial, and well, I’m the editor. If you don’t like the opinions, then why take the time to read my “long winded rant” and write a response that was actually longer than the original article? I know that you mentioned a few professors “who would have mark” (I will have to assume you meant “marked”) me down for my opinions, but I guess I’m willing to take the risk. And honestly, you don’t seem so glad that I am not a Twilight fan; in fact, you seem pretty outraged.
To your second point of contention: apparently, your reading comprehension is rather low. Did you not pick up on the fact that I am against porn? Do you not understand that I think that it is a lie to believe that surgically enhanced women are the standard for beauty? Maybe you didn’t read the entire article, because you failed to even make mention of the fact that I say “I am in no way trying to argue that men should be allowed to watch porn” near the end of the article. My point is that true romance is found in real life, whether it be in a man loving woman, her physical imperfections included, or in a woman appreciating a man’s attempts to romance her, even when they are less-than-epic. If we expect someone to be perfect, then we only leave room for disappointment, failing to appreciate our significant other’s flaws. Honestly, if my article offended you more than any other thing you have ever read, then you either have some major issues related to this movie (thus proving my point), or you have done little reading.
As for your third point: the female’s sexual stimulation via romanticism seemingly does fly under the radar because neither you, nor any of the other Twilight fans, have been willing to admit that there is a connection between your romantic and sexual obsession with Edward Cullen.
To your fourth point: once again, I bring your reading comprehension into question. The article was written mainly about the movie, as I explicitly stated in the first sentence. I have a greater appreciation for the books because at least they require you to read (something that many Twilight fans should probably do more often).
To your fifth contention: if my argument did not “quit frankly” warrant a response, why did you write one that was lengthier than my original article? Oh, and please don’t leave this up to your friends “to hanged” me. Whatever that is, it sounds horrifying.
Ultimately, if your arguments that my article is awful because it is opinionated and filled with assumptions are true, then your response has to be equally awful because it is filled with opinions (including rants about John Steinbeck) and assumptions (including the belief based on your own misunderstanding of my article that I am a “pig” and a “douche bag” who hates real women).
You seem very angry about my one actual insult of Twilight fans (the “fully functional brain” remark, however indirect it was), but the Twilight community has continually called me names and told me to “kill myself”, “jump of a cliff”, and even “go to hell, and don’t go back” which I found slightly confusing, but entertaining. I guess I expect more out of the “brightest” women you have ever met. (Note to readers: if you feel offended by my one remark about your intellect, why prove my point by writing comments that display the grammatical abilities of first graders?)
I do owe all of you an apology though. I’M SO SORRY. Seriously. After viewing this blog and reading all of the angry responses, I have realized the error of my ways. I was completely wrong about the whole “Twilight melting your brain” thing. Your brains are already melted.
Thanks so much,
The Pig
Popularity: 85% [?]
July 1st, 2009 at 7:40 pm
Bravo. Where can I read her response to your article?
July 1st, 2009 at 8:01 pm
Thanks! You can read it here: http://supersecrettwilightblog.blogspot.com/2009/06/letter-to-mr-bradley-pig-turner.html
There was also another response here: http://www.examiner.com/x-4908-Twilight-Examiner~y2009m6d8-Attention-believers-of-Twilightlike-romance-youre-being-summoned-warning-rated-PG13?#comments
July 1st, 2009 at 9:01 pm
epic response. wish these people did more thinking and less ranting.
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:38 am
Wow, after reading the three related posts (your original, her response, and then this one), I have to say that you are consistently knocking the ball out of the park on this topic.
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:47 am
Thanks for the kind words!
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:57 am
Bradley, I for one am thrilled that through stress-related angst, your opinion has significantly shortened the life-span of a person who is more than likely the idiot in line in front of me at Starbucks who has no idea what she wants to order. I base much of my assessment that she is an idiot not on the fact that she responded so stupidly (with personal affronts) to an opinion (although, that is pretty bad) but on the fact that she has the same tastes in literature as un-sexed teenagers.
At any rate, welcome to the wonderful world of editorials my friend. I look forward to the flack I’ll get for the Potter-head article, particularly because most people aren’t going to see the article as an expression of creativity and humor but as my putting down HP. The irony of course is that I’m a huge fan of Rowling’s writing.
Improper thoughts.
Amy
July 2nd, 2009 at 1:37 pm
After reading your original article, I have to respectfully disagree with James and say you are not “consistently knocking the ball out of the park on this topic.” It figures that another man would give you a figurative high-five on this. Let me give you a woman’s point of view on the matter and see if I can’t change your mind.
While I can understand that “Twilight” may cause more dim women to form unrealistic opinions of men, I think it’s a bit of a stretch to liken it with porn. Especially since there is nothing explicitly sexual within the narrative (of course not, it was written by a Mormon). However, I myself have said similar things of other romance novels that actually do contain sexual themes (i.e., Danielle Steel and the like), so I was prepared to give you the benefit of the doubt and continue reading the article.
This is the part with which I begin to have problems:
“He soon discovers that the female sex drive is not only considerably less active than his, but it also works much differently. In fact, at least once a month, the woman acts completely crazy, and, instead of sitting around naked all day wanting nothing more than to satisfy her man the way the women on his computer screen do, she is moody, angry, and probably would much rather be left alone.”
While I recognize that you likely (hopefully) meant this to be tongue-in-cheek, what comes across is a very demeaning attitude towards women. By the words “once a month,” I assume you are referring to when a women is “PMSing.” Now I don’t know what kind of women you associate with, Mr. Turner, and I can only speak for myself, but I don’t exactly act “completely crazy” once a month and become “moody, angry, and [...] would much rather be left alone.” Not quite. So maybe you shouldn’t overgeneralize.
I think this was so misguided as to be laughable:
“Possibly the worst part about all of this is that, while pornography is something that is typically frowned upon and discouraged, especially toward a younger audience, the damaging effects of “Twilight” are promoted primarily to younger girls whose minds are the most moldable. Can you imagine the dangers of a society that showed pornographic flicks in movie theaters allowing, even encouraging, young boys to watch these films and collect posters immortalizing the stars of the films?”
How can you even compare a young boy watching pornography to a young girl reading or watching Twilight? I teach in an inner city where students in 12th grade have at best an 8th grade level in reading comprehension, and I have seen firsthand how girls who read this supposed filth and/or see the film are then inspired to read books like Wuthering Heights and Pride and Prejudice, two books which the author herself admits to being essential in inspiring Twilight. When was the last time you heard of a young boy seeing a porno and then feeling inspired to see a classic film?
I recognize that neither the books nor the film are high art. However, I think you simply wanted to capitalize on the hysteria these books have caused and share some of the spotlight. But what do I know, I’m just another crazy woman on her time of the month who probably would much rather be left alone.
July 2nd, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Just Another Crazy Woman,
You seem to think that you are the first woman to give me her point of view on this article. I guess it is possible that you didn’t read the open letter written to me that I was referring to in the most recent post on this blog (your response was essentially the same minus the name-calling and poor grammar). Or maybe you didn’t notice that not all of the comments so far on this post are from men. I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt.
Either way, I do appreciate the fact that your response was well written and not a complete rant. Thank you.
As far as all of your arguments against the article, I feel that all of these have been well addressed in my letter to the lady who called me “the pig” and in all of the discussion about this article on the other sites that it was posted on weeks ago.
Thanks so much,
Bradley
July 2nd, 2009 at 2:22 pm
Amy,
I have faith that the Potter-heads will prove themselves a bit more intelligent than those of the Twilight persuasion. Still, let’s hope for your sake that no magic spells are cast upon you.
Thanks for the comments,
Bradley
July 3rd, 2009 at 8:27 am
Brad,
you are amazing.
bye,
coconuts
July 7th, 2009 at 11:16 pm
Brad, I love you.